whatever is on my mind….

I saw a Robin…

a few days ago, a sure sign that Spring is just around the corner.  The winter grasses are green, the buds on the trees are fat and the day lilies are emerging from their slumber.  Time marches on and it doesn’t……

Yesterday I signed a bunch of papers to authorize hospice care for my Mom.  I went through the motions but it seemed as though I wasn’t really there.  The purpose of hospice is to make people comfortable in the final phase of life.  It made me very uncomfortable.  The hardest part, signing the DNR authorization.  It felt like betrayal.

No amount of rationalization, logic, or common sense can ease the pain and even guilt of making life and death decisions for someone you love.  Yet, when I look at Mom I don’t see the person who once lived in that body and even the body is barely recognizable.  She was asleep when I entered her room, I spoke to her and she looked up at me, said ‘hello’ and smiled.  I handed her a get well letter from one of her nieces, she looked at it and had no comprehension what she should do with it and handed it back to me, closed her eyes and went back to sleep.  There is no resemblance to the strong woman who has always faced life’s challenges head on, never one to give up.

She was born in the spring of 1929 at home, raised dirt poor during the Great Depression in a family of nine children.  The family lived and worked on my Great Grandfather‘s farm. He owned several sections of land and each of his children was to inherit a section but the depression put an end to that and the land was sold.   The family moved around a lot, following jobs from place to place.  I live just a short distance from that old homestead and the house, or what is left of it stands as a reminder of my family history.  I know how much my Mom loves that old house and now she and it are much the same……

I think Mom’s refusal to take nourishment for her body which also further reduces her mental capacity must be part of a process that facilitates the ability to let go.  Maybe it is the body knowing when to ‘fold em’ and walk away.  I think it was once called dying of natural causes.

I didn’t allow myself to grieve when my Dad died back in 2000 but I think that was because Mom was still here and I still had a connection to him.  Now I am beginning the process for both parents.  There is something about being ‘orphaned’ no matter the age that requires the mind to cope with something alien to our being.  I am already thinking of things that I wish I could ask Mom about but she can no longer answer and the questions will remain…..

I see another Robin.


  1. There are no words…I feel like we are all walking in each other’s shoes.

    • I know….give Aunt Dixie a hug and kiss for me.

  2. And oddly enough, FOH, I stepped out on the back deck a few minutes ago b/c the temp has risen to 45 and wanted to get a breath of fresh air. Guess who was in the back yard? Yep, kinfolk of the robins you have seen. We had a brief conversation and then I came back inside. How’s that for odd? The seasons continue no matter what.

    Very well written post, FOH. Spot-on in every respect, though our circumstances are not identical. Praying continues.

    • Love those robins! I talk to them too, the funny thing is they seem to listen!

  3. Praying for peace on your mind and strength in your heart…..

  4. FOH,

    My heart pours out for you and my prayers continue. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through (both my folks are still alive God bless), but I’ve already done all I can for my only child not to have to make some of the most difficult dissensions that you face and that my brother and I’ll face in just a matter of time. I am so sorry for your heartache and this post can’t help but remind me of the movie “Driving Mrs. Daisy”…God be with you.

    • Thanks Dave, I pray that when the time comes it will be easier. Funny, I was reminded of Driving Miss Daisy yesterday…..great minds I guess.

  5. willibeaux

    FOH! Thanks for sharing the difficulty you are facing. Losing parents is like losing your earthly anchor.

    May God in His mercy give you peace and calm your spirit as you agonize over your decision.

    PS: I am the same age as your mom.

    • Appreciate the comforting words and the prayers willi. Age in years is not what matters. I am thankful that you are so young for your years! May it always be so…..


  1. A Robin in the grass « RJB Weblog

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