when the fixer can’t fix it….
I don’t know why I have always thought it was up to me to ‘fix’ everything but it started when I was just a child. It’s that ‘what if’ thought in my head. What if I keep my mouth shut and things get worse or what if by speaking up things get better. You never know what difference you can make if your timing is right but that’s the hard part.
I have run head on into something I cannot fix. My Mom, after being content for 7 days at the nursing home, did an about-face. Knowing that she can’t help how she is behaving because of the changes in her brain doesn’t really help. I don’t recognize her as the person who raised me. The words that come out of her mouth directed at me hurt because she still looks like my Mom but someone else seems to be using her body and her tongue. She recognizes my face but it is like she doesn’t recognize me as her only child. Logic and reason don’t work, smiles and kindness don’t work and neither would anger. Accepting that there is nothing that I can say or do to relieve the fear, anger and anxiety that she feels hurts more than words can convey.
Since I can’t reason with Mom I have turned to reasoning with myself by stepping back and finding my objectivity. I have made sure that Mom has everything she needs, that she is safe. The hardest part is going to visit her. I have to force myself to go there because I know that it won’t be pleasant. Gentle words won’t turn away wrath because there is a stranger living in my Mom’s body who doesn’t know how much I love her and want her to be happy.
Yesterday she told me that she would try to hurry up and rot so that she wouldn’t bother me anymore. Is that why she refuses to eat? I have that ‘what if’ thing going through my mind. She began refusing to eat about midway through the cancer treatments and no amount of reasoning or begging her to, made any difference. She would just say that she knew her body needed food but she wasn’t hungry. This ‘fixer’ can’t fix this but I know that it will be fixed by God in His time. I pray for the courage, the strength and the patience to trust that He will provide all that is needed at the time that is right.
I make this post in the hope that what I am experiencing might be of some help or comfort for someone dealing with a problem that they can’t fix and in the process convince myself that some things just have to be accepted and endured…..this will hopefully be my last post on this subject for a while.
Grace and Mercy to give the unfixable to Him….
flyoverhere 
Dear Father in Heaven,
This time in life when our parents are mentally and physically packing their bags and getting ready to take the ultimate flight up to your realm is so hard for us who are left down here, especially the daughters.
Our mothers were are so very special to us. They cared for us in such a special way in the little town that we grew up in. They sewed dresses for us and were there for our basketball games and were there for the reports on our first dates.
They worked hard and endured so much in life. They were there for us at our weddings and always cooked Thanksgiving dinners and fixed our hair and helped us make our doll clothes.
They taught us that there was nothing that we couldn’t do. They had to do that. They knew that life was not always going to be easy and that we had to believe that we could do anything. There was no one else like them and never will be again for us.
And now, we can only watch and pray and cry and our hearts are broken over and over again. Father of all comfort and peace, please wrap your love around Lura. Let her see her mom from a different angle each day. Allow Lura to continue to show her mom love even though her mom seems to be pushing away right now. Ultimately, there will be a grand reunion with kisses and hugs all around with smiles and hearts poured out. But right now, it’s so hard.
Father, please be with Lura’s mom. Let her body and mind be at rest and give her peace. We know that you know the hurt and pain of sickness. We are all awaiting the grand reunion. In your glorious Son’s name. Amen
This is a beautiful prayer, thank you so much!
Not only beautiful, but fitting as well, Linda.
FOH, your concern and tears come through loud and clear. At the same time, so does your faith in the Lord. As the old song said, ‘I never promised you a rose garden.’ Quite simply, there is no way for us to understand these types of things. Never will until we are face to face with the Lord. It’s beyond us. Now how’s that for a comforting comment? Don’t mean to bring you down any further … just reality and yet in the Lord there is peace and joy beyond measure. I know you know this, but focus on Him and praise Him. It might help ease your aching heart.
Your hope of helping someone else with that which they cannot fix says it all. Prayers will not cease.
your words are always a blessing Mrs AL!
Lura, so sorry that there is no set answer for what you are going through. I know me just saying trust in God doesn’t “fix” the hurt and the fears you have for Odell but if you don’t just lay it all in his arms you will make yourself crazy. I do pray for you and your family and for her that somehow it will be resolved and she will be herself again. Just love on those grandbabies all you can and know that there are lots of people that are praying for you. How could you not be a “fixer”, you are a Mom and wife!!! Don’t you think all women are fixers? I know I am and sometimes I should not even try. I think of you often. Judy
I absolutely know that all Mom’s must be fixers and that most of us never recover from it! All our grand babies and complete and total joy that brings me so much comfort. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Knowing there are people praying is such a huge blessing! I also think of you often. Lura
I totally understand what you are going through right now, Lura. I’ve been there and done that. Please know that you have my deepest empathy. If there is anything at all that I can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to ask!
Your cousin Ann
Thank you Ann, I don’t think anyone understands completely if they haven’t experienced it. I know I didn’t. The best thing that anyone can do is to pray for Mom and our family but you already know that the best source of comfort comes from above.
FOH,
My heart and prayers pour out to you during this very difficult time. I’m like you in that I have always been “the fixer.” During my career, for my friends, for my son and the rest of my loves ones. I won’t lie; I’ve never worth a damn at fixing myself until the last year or so, but it seemed I could always help others get out of their bad situation. I did face a situation just last month that I was totally helpless in doing anything to fix an issue. I drove myself damn near crazy watching my brother being over come with misery due to this situation and Mr. Fix It couldn’t do a thing to help him. It was a very devastating time for me, because I love my brother so much that I cannot stand to see him suffer, but I was totally helpless to do anything to ease his suffering. Everything ended up turning out OK, but I will never forget being helpless to Fix the problem eating my brother up. Certainly a time I will never forget.
I actually ended turning to my very dear friend Pepp for advice and she did me a wonderful favor of putting this in perspective for me. There are simply some things I cannot fix, but all I can do is be there to do my best to help deal with the outcome of a tragedy and pray our Lord gives me the strength and guidance to help at that point. I guess what I learned is I cannot fix everything before it happens, but hopefully there is still a great deal I can do to help others I love get through whatever tragedy with our Lord helps and guidance.Not sure if my example helps you at all, but hopefully you can take just a tidbit of it and find some comfort. I pray our Lord gives you strength, guidance, support and patience to deal with your current situation. God bless you.
Thank you so much Dave! Pepp is indeed an inspiration and comfort because she has had so much adversity in her own life. I sure wish that I could fix everything!
Serenity now versus courage or wisdom.
dr pete, you sure can pack a lot of meaning in such few words! Thanks!
My dear friend, you have done such a wonderful job taking care of your mom. There is no limit to the love you have for her, and that will help you face the difficulties ahead. I pray that your mom goes through this stage of anger quickly, and settles in acceptance with loving grace, knowing that her family is doing what is best for her.
I pray for that too…..
I know exactly how you feel.