when the fixer can’t fix it….
I don’t know why I have always thought it was up to me to ‘fix’ everything but it started when I was just a child. It’s that ‘what if’ thought in my head. What if I keep my mouth shut and things get worse or what if by speaking up things get better. You never know what difference you can make if your timing is right but that’s the hard part.
I have run head on into something I cannot fix. My Mom, after being content for 7 days at the nursing home, did an about-face. Knowing that she can’t help how she is behaving because of the changes in her brain doesn’t really help. I don’t recognize her as the person who raised me. The words that come out of her mouth directed at me hurt because she still looks like my Mom but someone else seems to be using her body and her tongue. She recognizes my face but it is like she doesn’t recognize me as her only child. Logic and reason don’t work, smiles and kindness don’t work and neither would anger. Accepting that there is nothing that I can say or do to relieve the fear, anger and anxiety that she feels hurts more than words can convey.
Since I can’t reason with Mom I have turned to reasoning with myself by stepping back and finding my objectivity. I have made sure that Mom has everything she needs, that she is safe. The hardest part is going to visit her. I have to force myself to go there because I know that it won’t be pleasant. Gentle words won’t turn away wrath because there is a stranger living in my Mom’s body who doesn’t know how much I love her and want her to be happy.
Yesterday she told me that she would try to hurry up and rot so that she wouldn’t bother me anymore. Is that why she refuses to eat? I have that ‘what if’ thing going through my mind. She began refusing to eat about midway through the cancer treatments and no amount of reasoning or begging her to, made any difference. She would just say that she knew her body needed food but she wasn’t hungry. This ‘fixer’ can’t fix this but I know that it will be fixed by God in His time. I pray for the courage, the strength and the patience to trust that He will provide all that is needed at the time that is right.
I make this post in the hope that what I am experiencing might be of some help or comfort for someone dealing with a problem that they can’t fix and in the process convince myself that some things just have to be accepted and endured…..this will hopefully be my last post on this subject for a while.
Grace and Mercy to give the unfixable to Him….