whatever is on my mind….

well it wasn’t a heart attack….

Evidently I had unwittingly performed the Valsalva maneuver on myself.  I won’t go into the details of just how it occurred but suffice it to say it wasn’t pleasant.  I thought I was having a heart attack or a stroke.  I was hot, dizzy, nauseous, clammy, ears ringing, crawled from bathroom to bedroom where I just lay on the floor thinking I better not close my eyes because I might never open them again.  DH found me in the floor, conscious but too weak to move.   He got me to the bed and took my blood pressure which was 98/51 with a pulse of 59.  By this time I was feeling a little better and just wanted to go to sleep.  It crossed my mind and I am sure it crossed his too that maybe we should call the ambulance, but we didn’t.  He stayed awake most of the night making sure I was still breathing.  By morning my blood pressure was back to normal and I felt ok, just a little tired.  We both were unsure what exactly had happened but neither one of us voiced our thoughts.  We just began preparing to go pick up Mom for our daily trek to the cancer center for her treatment.

However, the day was just not going to be the normal routine.  Mom had taken a fall, was uninjured but too weak to travel and too confused to tell us exactly what happened.  It was ice-cold in her house even though the thermostat was on 80 degrees.  She told me that she hadn’t taken her morning meds but the pill sorter compartment for her morning dose was empty and she hadn’t had her supplement or anything else to drink.  My gut was telling me to stop the madness.  I called her doctor and laid out exactly our situation.  I wanted to know what stopping the treatments would mean.  I really already knew but guess I needed to hear it out loud.  Of course the doctor wants to complete the last four treatments but cannot say with any certainty that the outcome will be any better if we do.  The cancer has definitely retreated but isn’t gone.  When the cancer recovers from it’s setback it may come back with a vengeance.  Since it isn’t close to any vital organs the physical damage to her face could be devastating before it does the inevitable…..can’t put that into words.  The doctor said there isn’t a clear-cut right or wrong answer.  I felt as though my insides were just vibrating and my mind was swirling with all the possible or maybe impossible scenarios.

DH fixed Mom’s heater and the house was warm once again.  Mom was in her chair, snuggled under her blanket, drinking her supplement.  I decided to go see my doctor because I couldn’t get last night’s episode out of my mind.  DH went with me and immediately after laying out the events from the night before the doctor knew exactly what it was.  I will provide links for Valsalva maneuver if you want to know more.  I was sure glad we hadn’t called the ambulance for the unusual and somewhat embarrassing occurrence, but it really was scary!  It was however, definitely worth the price of an office visit to find out that I didn’t have a heart attack!  My doctor also knows the situation with my Mom and the level of my mental stress.  She told me that I can’t let it break me.

I did agree to take Mom back to the cancer center on Monday but still don’t know what the final decision will be.  DH and I checked out the possibility of moving her to a new assisted living facility about to open here but found out that neither she nor we can afford it.  I don’t think Mom is ready for the nursing home but does need assistance.  We have to figure out how we will deal with that………………the only thing that is clear right now is that nothing is clear.

When I got up this morning the first thing I saw in my email was a post dedicated to me from my friend.

Grace and Peace to deal with life’s daily challenges!



  1. Words are not coming easily, foh. The multitude of issues you are facing is incredible. It is my sincere hope that this blogging is helping you in a significant way. You, DH, your Mother and entire family are lifted up daily to the Lord.

    And Pepps, post is beautiful.

    • The prayers are helping! I cannot express my gratitude and amazement at the outpouring of concern from all of you! Blogging has turned into my therapy…..I just hope that I can return the favors……

      • Well not to get sappy or anything, FOH, but you have already “return(ed) the favors.” It is a privilege to have you open up and allow us to pray and encourage you. It’s a two-way street, you know.

      • I do know, thanks so much!

  2. FOH,

    I am so sorry for the issues and hard decisions you face. I am so glad that you can use your blog to help you in a therapeutic way. Your entire family and you continue to be in by prayers and I pray our Lord gives you strength and wisdom during these very tough times you face.

    Good Bless,

    • Thanks Dave…looking forward to the time when I won’t be so ‘needy’ but putting my thoughts and experiences in print definitely is helpful to me and hopefully to someone else who may encounter similar circumstances….

  3. privbullright

    FOH, My prayers are with you and your family.

  4. willibeaux

    FOH! Thank you for the trust that you have to be able to share your very difficult personal health issues with us, your brothers and sisters in Christ.

    May God continue to show His mercy and favor to all of you and continue to grant you wisdom to deal with them.

    We love you and you and yours are in in our prayers.

    Lorraine and Boe.

    Check your e-mail.

  5. FOH,

    I’m so glad you have this outlet to vent and get this stuff out. Nobody minds. We all need this. And going through the kind of stress you are experiencing is so difficult on you physically and emotionally. I’ve been there. I thought my son’s death would kill me. But with the help of my friends online and in particular Willibeaux, I made it through. Willibeaux would call me, let me cry, and then we’d say a prayer together. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I felt strength through him who was asking God to help me.

    • pepp, I can’t even imagine and hope I never have to deal with such pain. I know that God is always with us and He brings people into our lives that help us deal with things. I am so glad I started this blog but I never imagined it would take this direction because my primary purpose was to add my voice to the many others who want to save our country. My life and situations took over my mind and I poured out my thoughts and frustrations for all to read. I am so thankful that there are so many of you who have taken the time and had the heart to lift up my spirits. It has been such a blessing! willi and Lorraine are wonderful folks and have been there for me too in the past. My prayers are with all of you too for grace and peace in each of your lives!

  6. thedrpete

    What a DH you have.

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