flyoverhere

whatever is on my mind….

waiting for the perfect time?


Don’t wait!  There is no such thing as the perfect time, the perfect place or the perfect person…………..  I give lots of good advice, wish I would learn to take it too.

My ‘bucket list‘ takes up a whole steno pad because I don’t set out on a new project til the time is right, therefore the projects just keep piling up.   Lately I have been watching a show called Hoarders, I think it is on TLC.  Last night a little light bulb went off in my head while watching the disgusting conditions hoarders live in.  I realized that while I am not a hoarder of stuff, I am a hoarder of ideas and plans.  My head is so cluttered with ideas and things that I want and intend to do that I am overwhelmed and  I find myself just sitting in front of the TV watching a disgusting show that somehow has a fascination that keeps me glued to my chair.

To be sure, I am exhausted right now due to the daily trips to the cancer center with my Mom.  She is very weak and very ill and I can’t fix it.  All I can do is just keep taking her for treatments, make sure she has her meds, food, help with bathing, clean clothes, fresh sheets on her bed and pay her bills………I get up very early every morning usually around 5AM or earlier just so I can have the luxury of some time to think.  My biggest challenge right now is getting my Mom to eat.  It seems as though she is giving up, not that I blame her.  Her quality of life right now is pitiful, depressing and all she wants is to be left alone to sleep.

My biggest fear today is that the doctors will decide to put in a feeding tube which means that I will need to go live with her and be there 24/7.   Unfortunately we have never been close and having a normal conversation has never happened between us, unless I just agreed with her and kept my opinions to myself, which is not normal, is it?  Now that her dementia is being accelerated because of the illness and the effects of chemo and radiation our relationship is even weirder.  When the nurses in the chemo room tell me what a sweetheart Mom is, I am thinking, “wish I could meet that person”.  It makes me think that I am the crazy person because sweetheart is a description that has never applied when it comes to her relationship with me.

It just seems like I am having a perpetual ‘pity party’ and I don’t like the person I am right now.  I am in limbo between being the child of (children are to be seen and not heard) and being the parent to my Mom.  I am in constant transition in my approaches to dealing with getting her to eat and drink to keep her body functioning.  Yes, I think I am crazy because I can’t even decide whether I am being a good daughter or whether I am the most selfish person on the planet……because while I am being this person I don’t recognize I am burdening my DH (dear husband) with all my duties in addition to his own……he is the sweetheart here and is my best hope of recovering my sanity, this side of heaven.

Grace and Peace to you all to deal with life’s challenges!

 

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15 Comments

  1. thedrpete

    I think, FOH, that I recall out-of-place-suggesting a few months back that you take care of, first, yourself, then DH, and only then, your mom. There is both joy and a price for generosity.

    In the landscape of our society so many many people, faced with a sick or disabled parent, look to the government to do what you are doing. In effect, they are placing the responsibility on everyone else who pays taxes. I think that sad, obnoxious, and selfish.

    Buy some Godiva, and share with no one. Well, maybe DH.

    • I like the Godiva idea, except I think I’ll have a Corona with a little salt and lime! Thanks dr pete!

  2. FOH,

    I don’t think you are a selfish person at all. Look at all you do for your mother who you have never had a good relationship with. I feel for you. I was in the same spot you are in now when my Mom had her first stroke. Being the eldest and only daughter it was “expected” that I be the one to take care of her even though I had a full time job I needed to support myself being a divorced woman.

    But, I decided I’d buy a little house near where my Mom lived and take her in although I’d have to sell my condo which I loved. But, I thought well, I still have to work, but I’ll arrange for nurses or someone to come in during the day until I get home from work.

    Well, as it turned out, she died 5 days later. I did not have to go through all the stuff I prepared myself for, thank God. I, too, never had a very good relationship with my Mom. So it was going to be a huge sacrifice on my part to take care of her. But I decided that was the correct thing to do. I did not want to put her into a nursing home. My one brother and his wife said “they could do nothing as they were too busy”. As if I was not busy working 10 hours a day and spending another 2 hours on the road getting back and forth to my job which I NEEDED to survive. I HAD TO SUPPORT MYSELF. Apparently my brother and sister in law thought that would be no sweat for me to hold down my job and take care of my mother. I felt bitter about that at first then asked God to forgive me of my bitterness and help me to do what would be necessary.

    Now, do like drpete, and take care of yourself first. That is vital to your health and keeping your spirits up. You are going through a very difficult time to say the least. You are not having a perpetual pity party. You are venting and rightly so. We can’t carry these things inside ourselves all the time. It helps to let it out.

    God bless you and keep you going.

  3. FOH,

    I’m so sorry to hear about the situation your in; it must be extremely difficult. I’ve never been in the situation you are, but I can honestly say when I read this I did not sense a pity party at all. When I read this; I read about a very strong person doing what they believe is the best they can do. A lot of people, don’t even have the inner strength you do to step up to the plate like you. You do have to take care of yourself first all though. If you don’t, then you won’t be able to take care of anyone. I applaud your conviction, your selflessness of taking care of your mom and your dedication. But please don’t lose sight that FOH needs to take care of FOH first. I pray our Lord guides you, gives you strength and comfort.

  4. foh, appreciate your candor and willingness to say precisely how you feel. Like the others, selfishness and engaging in a ‘pity party’ is not what you are doing, IMHO. If that were the case, you would not be so open and up-front about your relationships, etc. This is a great forum for you and while I don’t speak for anyone else who visits, I would guess everyone has learned something from your posts regarding this great trial with your Mom. I know I have.

    Please know you are ALL in my prayers. As the saying goes, “ain’t nothin’ easy.”

  5. dr pete, dave,pepper and mrs AL, when I read your comments I cried. Yesterday was not a good day for me or my Mom. When I got home and read these comments I was, I guess, relieved is the best word after reading what yall said. Four friends that have never met me in person were able to speak to me in a way that was uplifting. I find it ironic that none of the friends that have known me for many years could find anything to say…….if indeed, any of them read it…..

    My family responded to me personally in the same way yall did so I am blessed!

    • FOH,

      I’m glad we could give you some uplifting after you had such a hard day with your Mom. That is what friends are for.
      When my son took his life, I was still blogging on Townhall and I was overwhelmed and amazed at the outpouring of caring, concern, prayers, cards, gifts, and other wonderful things people did for me. And these were people I had never met too. I cried also thinking to myself how blessed I was to have these friends who were so understanding and gave me so much. So, sometimes we receive blessings in places we never thought could be possible and say to ourselves God is good. He brings us what we need when we are in a bad place.
      God bless you and keep you strong. You will get through this even though there are times we think we can’t, we do with the help of God and our friends who stand by us.

      • you make me smile pepper!

  6. There is no pity in your post, FOH, only the assurance of a life well lived and loved. Everyone has trials, and you never cease to amaze me how you have not only met them, but triumphed over them. This is no different. I pray for you and your mom, and hope that the Good Lord makes your burdens lighter.

  7. You have received The Versatile Blogger Award!

    There are three rules:

    1. You need to thank the person who nominated you.

    2. You must spread the love to 15 more blogs that you follow and enjoy.

    3. You have to share seven things about yourself.

    http://fourbluehills.com/2012/01/04/the-versatile-blogger-award/

    • Thank you very much fourbluehills! I am honored! Not sure what you mean about sharing the love, do I need to nominate 15 other blogs? As for sharing 7 things about myself…..I am an open book, just read my posts and you’ll find dozens of things. The biggest one is that I always fly by the seat of my pants! Oh, and I channel Scarlet O’Hara from time to time!

      • Channel Scarlet O’Hara huh? LOL I’d like to see that sometime! When did it first start happening? 🙂

        Yes, you need to choose some blogs also. I looked up the original and it was only two blogs I believe, I am not sure how it became so convoluted with choosing 15. I’d go with the original! 🙂

        Oh, and the 7 things, you have to post that on the blog where you nominate other blogs and announce that your blog also received it. Everyone gets to read it. 🙂 I fly by the seat of my pants too!

        How is your mother?

      • When I realized that Scarlett O’Hara was ‘the best’ at flying by the seat of her pants! Mom is very weak and very sick from the treatments. The cancer is responding favorably, I just hope she survives the cure…..

      • Cancer is very scary, and yes, even the cures. 😦 How is your mom doing? Six more days left of this treatment, if I remember right. Are the mask and the numbing agent still helping?

  8. Thanks Y! I include you with my other ‘not yet met face to face’ friends in my comment above!

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