waiting for the perfect time?
Don’t wait! There is no such thing as the perfect time, the perfect place or the perfect person………….. I give lots of good advice, wish I would learn to take it too.
My ‘bucket list‘ takes up a whole steno pad because I don’t set out on a new project til the time is right, therefore the projects just keep piling up. Lately I have been watching a show called Hoarders, I think it is on TLC. Last night a little light bulb went off in my head while watching the disgusting conditions hoarders live in. I realized that while I am not a hoarder of stuff, I am a hoarder of ideas and plans. My head is so cluttered with ideas and things that I want and intend to do that I am overwhelmed and I find myself just sitting in front of the TV watching a disgusting show that somehow has a fascination that keeps me glued to my chair.
To be sure, I am exhausted right now due to the daily trips to the cancer center with my Mom. She is very weak and very ill and I can’t fix it. All I can do is just keep taking her for treatments, make sure she has her meds, food, help with bathing, clean clothes, fresh sheets on her bed and pay her bills………I get up very early every morning usually around 5AM or earlier just so I can have the luxury of some time to think. My biggest challenge right now is getting my Mom to eat. It seems as though she is giving up, not that I blame her. Her quality of life right now is pitiful, depressing and all she wants is to be left alone to sleep.
My biggest fear today is that the doctors will decide to put in a feeding tube which means that I will need to go live with her and be there 24/7. Unfortunately we have never been close and having a normal conversation has never happened between us, unless I just agreed with her and kept my opinions to myself, which is not normal, is it? Now that her dementia is being accelerated because of the illness and the effects of chemo and radiation our relationship is even weirder. When the nurses in the chemo room tell me what a sweetheart Mom is, I am thinking, “wish I could meet that person”. It makes me think that I am the crazy person because sweetheart is a description that has never applied when it comes to her relationship with me.
It just seems like I am having a perpetual ‘pity party’ and I don’t like the person I am right now. I am in limbo between being the child of (children are to be seen and not heard) and being the parent to my Mom. I am in constant transition in my approaches to dealing with getting her to eat and drink to keep her body functioning. Yes, I think I am crazy because I can’t even decide whether I am being a good daughter or whether I am the most selfish person on the planet……because while I am being this person I don’t recognize I am burdening my DH (dear husband) with all my duties in addition to his own……he is the sweetheart here and is my best hope of recovering my sanity, this side of heaven.
Grace and Peace to you all to deal with life’s challenges!