whatever is on my mind….

I would rather stay in bed….

There are many reasons for my saying this.  The first one is that I have to take my Mother to the big city cancer surgeon today.  Last week biopsy results showed a malignant tumor in the roof of her mouth.  We begin today the long journey through tests, scans, surgery, chemo, radiation and who knows what else.  She is 82 and her mind is not capable of comprehending all that is about to happen.

I am her only child and I have a real and abiding aversion to the whole medical world.  Just being inside a doctor’s office or hospital gives me the heebie jeebies.  It is going to take all the stamina, fortitude and perseverance I can muster to stay on top of things for her and continue tending to my other responsibilities.   Yes, I am a weenie….

My husband, my rock is already tied up in peanut and cotton harvest and cannot be there with me during this time.   I realize I am sounding like a selfish brat.  I really do know that I am not alone and this isn’t all about me but the foreboding is debilitating.

The doctor who confirmed the cancer told me that this is going to be a long and tedious process and that although not impossible to overcome it will be very difficult.   If it were not for my faith that God is and always has been with me I absolutely could not face it.

It would be a little easier if my Mother could participate in the process but she lives in some alternate universe where she hears things people don’t say and does things that there is no explanation for.  I guess part of my problem is that I wonder as I observe her, if  I am looking at my future.

Loss of independence is scary and Mother won’t take it quietly.  She has been teetering on the edge of it for a while now.  Growing up, disobedience was not an option, so going against her wishes now and trying to do what is best for her is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.   Since becoming an adult and formulating my own opinions and ideology she and I have been at odds more times than not.  I learned a long time ago never to discuss anything more profound than the weather with her.  She embraced the women’s liberation movement, I didn’t.  She believes conservatives are heartless, that would be me.  She thinks a woman’s right to control her own body includes the right to kill a baby.  There is almost no issue on which we agree, so keeping my mouth shut is often difficult.

I am not sure why I am writing this today except that putting things into words that others can see may help me to deal with my own issues during this time.  I love my Mother very much and don’t want to see her suffer at all and pray that God will strengthen me to change the things I can, to accept the things I can’t and grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

Grace and Peace to all.  I hope your day is good!



  1. Disagree, you are not sounding like a “selfish brat,” FOH. You are sounding like someone who is facing a dire situation no matter how you slice it. I admire you for putting this up today. Please know that your Mother, you and all concerned are in my prayers. Only request is that you keep us posted how things are going.

    • Thank you for the encouraging words Mrs. AL. I will update as things change.

  2. Felicia

    Sometimes it is hard to have to be the older one of you and your Mother and/or Grandmother and make decisions that are far from easy to make. I know how you feel and understand how it feels to have to make those decisions. I am here for you Meme and love you lots!! May God be with you in all of your decisions you have to HELP your Mother make today!!

  3. Apollyon67

    You have it half licked FOH, you acknowledge the task ahead will be trying and aren’t thinking things will always be rainbows and lollipops. Your internal strenght will carry you through whatever lies ahead. God only hands us what we can handle. Our prayers are with you and your Mother.

    • Thanks a bunch, I sure appreciate the prayers!

  4. thedrpete

    I am who I am, FOH, and am not who I am not. I express emotion at beauty, can cry listening to the National Anthem, perfectly-performed. I teared this past Spring at my son’s wedding . . . and no, not over the bill for the rehearsal dinner. When faced with crises, I become immediately calm and focused, zero-emotion, clear-headed. I think, not feel.

    If I were experiencing anything like what you are or what pepp has been through of late, none of you would know about it. Just who I am.

    You come first. Do what you can do, but without diminishing yourself. Your husband, “the rock”, comes second, so he also shouldn’t be diminished with this. Then, and only,then, should you intervene vis-a-vis your mother’s circumstance. With that predicate, you may be able to act on HER behalf, weighing trade-offs and ROI.

    If this isn’t helpful or appropriate, I apologize.

    • Not inappropriate at all dr pete. I am exactly the way you describe when I am personally faced with something hard. I am a breast cancer survivor and my approach to that was to cut off all emotion and focus on the task at hand. I was advised at the time to join a cancer support group but heck I didn’t want to be around all those sick people!!! My support was my husband and family and none of us dwelt on my illness, that was the last thing I needed. I think I have a lot of Scarlet O’Hara in me…

      It is more difficult for me to retreat into my safe place when it comes to the people nearest and dearest to me but I will so that I can stay focused on the job I must do. Prayer and meditation on the blessings I have and all the beauty I see around me.

  5. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, FOH. I know that God will carry you through the most trying and difficult time, and I pray for an easier than expected recovery for your mom.

    • I know it to Y and you can never have too many prayers!

  6. FOH,

    I am glad you wrote this about you and your Mom. I am a crying sap so reading your story I have to say I did break down and cry. I have a good idea what you are going through, but not the length and breadth of your chore here. My Mom suffered a stroke and I, being the only and the oldest girl, was expected to do the “job”.

    Like you, I put all my emotions aside and did the things I thought were best. My Mom was only 73 however. One thing I knew above all else I did not want to lose her after all the years we were in battle, I finally had a good relationship with her. She and I never saw eye to eye either but not over the things you wrote about.

    Within 5 days I had it planned out. I would sell my condo, get a house for both of us and somehow, (all the details could come later) take care of her although I had a demanding and long hours job, somehow I would do it all. It never occurred to me that I could not do it.

    But, she died the following day, the 6th day after the stroke.

    God will be with you through all of this and that is good you have a strong belief in Him and have let him help carry your burdens before. My prayers are with you every step of the way. Know that I am here for you, that I am thinking of you and that I pray for you every day of your ordeal.

    Like someone else said, please do keep us updated on how things are transpiring or if you need to vent, whatever. You have many angels around you to help you. I feel so bad for you however. It is not easy seeing your Mom having to go through this I am sure.

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