I would rather stay in bed….
There are many reasons for my saying this. The first one is that I have to take my Mother to the big city cancer surgeon today. Last week biopsy results showed a malignant tumor in the roof of her mouth. We begin today the long journey through tests, scans, surgery, chemo, radiation and who knows what else. She is 82 and her mind is not capable of comprehending all that is about to happen.
I am her only child and I have a real and abiding aversion to the whole medical world. Just being inside a doctor’s office or hospital gives me the heebie jeebies. It is going to take all the stamina, fortitude and perseverance I can muster to stay on top of things for her and continue tending to my other responsibilities. Yes, I am a weenie….
My husband, my rock is already tied up in peanut and cotton harvest and cannot be there with me during this time. I realize I am sounding like a selfish brat. I really do know that I am not alone and this isn’t all about me but the foreboding is debilitating.
The doctor who confirmed the cancer told me that this is going to be a long and tedious process and that although not impossible to overcome it will be very difficult. If it were not for my faith that God is and always has been with me I absolutely could not face it.
It would be a little easier if my Mother could participate in the process but she lives in some alternate universe where she hears things people don’t say and does things that there is no explanation for. I guess part of my problem is that I wonder as I observe her, if I am looking at my future.
Loss of independence is scary and Mother won’t take it quietly. She has been teetering on the edge of it for a while now. Growing up, disobedience was not an option, so going against her wishes now and trying to do what is best for her is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Since becoming an adult and formulating my own opinions and ideology she and I have been at odds more times than not. I learned a long time ago never to discuss anything more profound than the weather with her. She embraced the women’s liberation movement, I didn’t. She believes conservatives are heartless, that would be me. She thinks a woman’s right to control her own body includes the right to kill a baby. There is almost no issue on which we agree, so keeping my mouth shut is often difficult.
I am not sure why I am writing this today except that putting things into words that others can see may help me to deal with my own issues during this time. I love my Mother very much and don’t want to see her suffer at all and pray that God will strengthen me to change the things I can, to accept the things I can’t and grant me the wisdom to know the difference.
Grace and Peace to all. I hope your day is good!